In the damp, musty, and stale smelling basement, I stood on the sidelines of the offense, holding hands with a man that stood there watching with me. I was about ten and I was outside of myself, watching another man violate my small frame. My entire being was tense as I stood there watching, wondering where anybody was. Why was this man standing with me, but not doing anything about it? Why wasn’t he protecting me/her? Why wasn’t he stopping it? Why was he holding my hand on the side while I/she was being destroyed by the hands of a very sick man?
I don’t understand!
And where are my parents? Could someone, anyone please walk down right now to save me/her?
WHERE IS EVERYONE?!
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All of creation cries at one time or another of the injustices inflicted and endured here. If God is so good, where the hell was He when my form was being destroyed? If He is so big and strong and powerful, and if He is Love, then how can He allow such horrifying things to happen? If we are His most prized of all of creation, how and why does He allow such destruction of our lives at the hands of others?
I am angry! I have struggled for my entire life with an internal war that has raged fiercely for decades. I want to be FREE!! But I can’t escape the war!!
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Childhood abuse tears a hole in the fabric of our being. Knit together with perfection in mind, the wayward hands of the sick and depraved rip it to shreds without conscience for the lifetime of turmoil and chaos their one momentary decision leaves in its wake.
I never had a chance. The first offense occurred when I was around 18 months old. The offenses continued through childhood and long into adulthood.
Where was God when…? And how could He allow it to happen over and over and over again?
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Jesus was the only perfect human being. He walked in perfect harmony and obedience to His Heavenly Father. Our limited understanding thinks and believes if we do everything “right” that we will not hurt; that people will not hurt us. But if Jesus was a flawless picture of perfection walking, why was He bludgeoned and scourged and nailed brutally to a cross? Was there anything He could have done differently to change the trajectory of His life and purpose?
If God was His Father, why didn’t He stop it? How could He just stand back and watch it happen? How could He watch His son die such a horrifying death? If God is Love…what of love did not protect Him from destruction?
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Love is not an un-gifter (a person who gives a gift and then wants it back, or takes it back.). God does not give us gifts, only to take them away. He doesn’t take them away if we mistreat them or do not manage them well. He doesn’t take them away even if we toss it to the side carelessly. He doesn’t take it away, even if we grabbed it out of His hands with haughty indignance and entitlement. His gifts are unconditionally given, from a heart of Love that wants only good things for His children. He gives gifts with good intention and because He loves us so much. Nobody gives a gift because they hate. With no condition or under any circumstance will he forfeit a gift given to us. Ever.
When He knit us into being, He knit the gift of choice into us; every single one. We are born perfectly into this world with this gift fully intact, as sweet, innocent, perfect little babies. But we are now on the other end of the fall out of one poor choice made a multitude of centuries before us. The domino effect of one poor choice is devastating and destructive to us all.
Yet God still has chosen to knit into His entire creation this gift of choosing. If He took the gift away, it would cease being a gift.
He did not create us with evil intention in our hearts. All those who inflict harm were once innocent and perfect babies. Their destruction is simply part of the fallout. They too were hurt along the way.
God cannot and will not take away the will to choose from anyone. It goes against the character of who He is and the Love He is and represents.
It looks one way… He, this man standing on the sidelines with me watching the destruction unfold. But if you turn the picture around, you’d see tears streaming down His face and a face wracked with pain and grief because He loves the one doing the hurting the same as the one he is hurting. He is His boy, too, and He is grieved deeply by the choices he has made, that perpetuate the pain and turmoil that ripples across a lifetime.
He grieved deeply the choices made by those who destroyed His one perfect son, but He couldn’t take the choice from them, either. He doesn’t stop the destruction by the hands of others because again, it goes against the very character of Love and who He is. He does not give with condition, only to take away because of misbehavior.
What He does instead, is make all things good. He takes the hurt and harm and destruction inflicted and perpetuated by wayward humanity, and He turns it around and makes it good.
Humanity destroyed the only perfect one, and God took the intention of harm and used it to save the rest of humanity. He didn’t take away their choice to harm, but He takes the consequences of their harm and the fall out of it…to save…to reconcile the broken back to Himself.
The message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but those whose who are being saved, it is the power of God. 1 Cor 1:18
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So, where was God when my tiny frame was shredded? He was with me. He was holding my hand. He separated me from the offense and He preserved my spirit, even though my flesh endured the wounding.
God is the only one who is capable of preserving our spirit when the turmoil of our broken humanity turns on itself. He is the only one who can resurrect a life destroyed by the hands of evil intention. God is the only one who can rescue us from the war and turmoil that rages fiercely inside our soul. He is the only one who can calm the storm so that His grander purpose may still prevail.
What was intended for death, He does and will breathe new life.
Nikki Rose is a daughter, a sister, Mama to an angel, a friend, and a one favored by the Most High King. She’s a deep thinking, contemplative ponderer and is fascinated by the wonders of this world, big, small, and unseen. Boredom never finds her. At any given time, she may be found writing, photographing, creating, or playing with her imagination. Pinterest is her favorite imaginary friend.
Her heart bleeds for the broken-hearted and longs to see new life breathed into weary and war-torn souls.
She pours herself out at the intersection of suffering and Grace and transcribes her hope at www.mamasanctuary.wordpress.com.