I winced as the words darted out of my mouth. How could I be so rude to the bank teller? Yes, they deposited my money in someone else’s account and it took a day or two to catch it. I was praying it wasn’t spent and over drafting my account – but my stress on her wasn’t helping. As I left the drive-through in a heated fury, guilt set in over my outburst. In the same moment, my phone rang and I quipped at my husband while on speaker, “What?”
I got home heavy hearted. I did it again. I was rude and impatient. Will I ever learn? Will I ever be kind in the midst of frustration? Will I ever be good enough? Maybe this is why the blessing I’ve been praying for hasn’t come, cause I’m not a “good” Christian… You can imagine my downward spiral into the negative thought abyss. I pulled myself out and got on my knees.
I cried out to God. Why did You make me this way? Why am I not this meek and humble woman that the Bible talks about? Why am I abrasive and cut and dry?
You are closer to my son than you think. He gently whispered. I wept.
Was Jesus rude and impatient? No. But Jesus did get angry. He had righteous indignation when the money exchangers at the temple on the mount were taking advantage of the people. He rebuked his disciples for falling asleep when all He asked them to do was pray. It was ok that I was not that meek and humble woman. It was ok that I was a fighter, a go-getter. That is what saved me from death while living in captivity. That is what lit a fire in me to start an organization that helped women escape and cope while under crisis. It was what gets me into FBI and VICE, allows me to work undercover, and advocates and champions for the oppressed. I wasn’t rude. I was bold. And yes, I needed to work on patience and self-control. But God loved me none the less. He still saw Jesus in me and I think He still sees Jesus in you.
Here is a challenge: Forget all the ways you are not like Jesus. Write down all the ways you ARE like Jesus and start dwelling on those.